Grief is a funny little thing. You never know when it’s going to hit you or what event is going to trigger it. I’m 141 days into losing my larynx to a cancerous tumor. Some days are better than others, but the grief still hits me.
Last night grief arrived as I watched a video of a young woman singing. An absolutely beautiful voice, it triggered some old dreams about singing. I used to sing at church. I used to help lead worship. Never again. Just another thing lost in this battle.
As I watched this young woman sing, emotion overcame me. My heart hurting, I started crying.
Silently I cried out to the Lord, “Lord, I just want to sing again.”
I want to be able to release emotion and creativity through song once again. It’s one thing to lose your voice and not be able to communicate. There are tools that help you regain your ability to communicate. But there’s nothing that will ever help me sing again. Not like I used to. Nothing that will help me release that creative side of myself through music. Nothing that will help me once again feel the emotions coming out of me as I sing a song.
I love when the Lord reveals His presence to us. The great Comforter. He is I AM.
In a flashing second, I heard Him sing to me part of the Mercy Me song “I can only Imagine.”
“Will I sing hallelujah or be able to speak at all….”
And in that moment, I saw a vision. It lasted just a few seconds but it was powerful and packed with meaning.
I saw a sea of saints before me. They stood in what looked like and endless field. More than I could ever count. All colors of skin. Ethnicities I’ve never seen in real life. All shapes and siizes, yet all united in song. They were in heaven singing praises to the Lord.
I heard their song very clearly. “Holy holy holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come.” Harmoniously united with arms lifted high in praise. It was the most beautiful thing my mind’s eye has seen.
In a second, I knew what the Lord was saying to me. “It’s okay daughter. I know your pain. I understand your heart. I know it’s hard. I know you want your voice back. But’s going to be okay, daughter. We will have all of eternity to sing together. You will once again sing and when you do, it will be for all eternity long. Never again will your voice be taken from you. And it will be the sweetest singing of all because it will be singing in my presence. Completely in my presence. I am here with you. You are not alone. It’s going to be okay.”
Overwhelmed with a feeling of love. Comforted beyond anything I could ever imagine. I wept. There in the quietness of my living room with my children sleeping above me, I wept in the presence of my Father.
I hear you, Lord. Thank you for 40 some years with a beautiful voice. I surrender the next 40 some years of no voice to you. Use me as you see fit. And I long for the day I meet you in eternity and we sing songs together. You and me. Together. Forever. Thank you for your Holy Spirit and for walking this very hard journy with me. I hear you.
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